To be winsome or to be offensive? Occasionally, that is the question we are forced to answer if we want to speak at all. Sometimes there is no middle ground; either we say something that may offend, or we must alter the content of our words. To add to this, sometimes people get offended by generalizations – they demand winsomeness and nuance for every phrase. Some Christian circles prioritize winsomeness, and there is a good reason for that. We want our words to be attractive, because we want people to listen to our message of hope in Jesus Christ. And we have good reason for wanting this; the Apostle Paul seems to encourage this sort of mentality in Col 4:5-6.
“Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, redeeming the time. Let your words always be with grace, seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should answer each person.” – Col 4:5-6
But winsomeness can go too far. It’s one thing to be gracious in the way you talk to people and quite another thing to cave to false worldviews and people’s sinful desires. Even before Governor Felix and his wife Drusilla, the Apostle Paul boldly talked about faith in Jesus, righteousness, self-control, and future judgment (Acts 24:24-25). Paul spoke about self-control, but why would that be important to note? Well, Felix was so attracted to Drusilla that he tried to convince her to divorce her husband and marry him. And for her part, Drusilla divorced her husband because Felix presented her with a better offer. These are people who needed to hear about God’s righteous standard and the fact that we will all stand before God and give an account for our actions. God hates divorce, but Felix and Drusilla were more than happy to do whatever their hearts desired (Mal 2:16; Matt 5:31-32). Paul was confronting Felix’s and Drusilla’s lack of self-control, and this clearly made them feel uneasy–that’s why Felix sent Paul away (see Acts 24:25). The point is that winsomeness cannot supersede truthfulness, and Paul understood this. Paul could have caved to Felix and Drusilla’s sinful life choices, but he chose to present the gospel, and this eventually made his audience uneasy. How could Paul talk about faith in Christ and all that means while being perfectly winsome during the entire conversation? He couldn’t, and that made his audience uncomfortable. It’s not pleasing to hear that you need a Savior. At some point, the honest truth must be stated, and it might make the person you are talking to uncomfortable. It might even drive them away just like it did with Felix and Drusilla.
Although Col 4:5-6 is speaking about our speech towards non-Christians, the principle of winsomeness is often applied to our speech towards Christians as well. But again, Paul is a great example of placing truth above being winsome. For example, Paul gives Timothy some inspired advice about supporting widows in the church at Ephesus in 1 Timothy 5. His advice goes like this: [1] Have relatives of the widow support her before devoting church resources to her (1 Tim 5:4, 8, 16); [2] Only financially support the widows who are devout in the faith, devoted to prayer, make a practice of serving others, etc. (1 Tim 5:5, 9-10); [3] Don’t financially support widows younger than 60 (1 Tim 5:9); and [4] Don’t financially support the young-gossipy-sexually motivated widows (1 Tim 5:6, 11-13). Paul’s advice here is probably already too much for the modern Western church to handle, but he goes a step further. Look at what Timothy is directed to instruct the young widows to do. These young widows have become busybodies and gossips. For the sake of these young widows’ souls, Paul’s inspired advice is that they get married, have children, and be homemakers (1 Tim 5:14-15). He is not being winsome, and there is little nuance in sight. Paul is loving and gentle here, but he is also being honest, and that honesty might offend. Paul’s advice is what is good and right because it flows from God’s design. Truth must supersede winsomeness. Just think about what Timothy is supposed to tell these young women; he is supposed to tell them that their current lifestyle is wrong and they need to go be wives, mothers, and homemakers. That message can be presented graciously and gently, but the content of the message is by nature not appealing, and it is surely offensive to some. To pile nuance on nuance would only detract from the message, and likely make exceptions for those who need to receive it the most. When the content of a true and good message is offensive by nature, that is when the question “to be winsome or to be offensive?” is most important to answer rightly.
As we can see from the example of Paul, our desire to be appealing cannot override the need to present truth. But there is another problem with allowing winsomeness to control your speech. Being winsome demands that we never offend because being winsome is all about being attractive. If you’re winsome, your words will be pleasing. Being truly winsome thus demands that we couch all of our statements such that they never make someone uncomfortable. This is an impossible task, but it is a task that our culture, even Western Christian culture, tries to enforce upon us. I know I often feel a strong need to nuance what I am saying, for fear that someone will take me the wrong way, or not realize that I am using a generalization. Now there certainly is time for nuance. But nuancing every statement is impossible; it just can’t be done all of the time. You will naturally make generalizations. You will observe certain behaviors in different peoples of different groups and you will characterize those people together with an apt generalization. But generalization and nuance do not go together, because a generalization looks at the whole, while nuance points to the subtle variations within the group. To be perfectly winsome requires nuance. It requires you to always look at every individual of the group at once, but never look at the group as a whole; it requires that you never make a generalization. But there is a whole genre in the Bible that works off of the idea of generalizations. Before we look at some proverbs to see the generalizations that are made, I first want to share an anecdotal story.
Before I went to Bible college, I attended a secular community college. One of my English teachers, who was also a psychology teacher, loved to talk about his socialist worldview in class. This was in 2016 during the presidential election, and illegal immigration was a hot-button topic at the time that this professor liked to talk about. One day, he was making the standard argument that many people coming illegally into the U.S. were in fact law-abiding people; they were not smuggling drugs or weapons, and were not part of any gang. They only began their residency in the U.S. through the breaking of law because they had to – it was the only way for them to find opportunity and freedom, and anyway, the U.S. government was to blame for them having to come by breaking a law in the first place. At least that was his argument. The conversation eventually got to the place where the professor was advocating for nuance when talking about people coming to the U.S. illegally. He was honest enough to admit that bad actors were taking advantage of a lack of border security, but he wanted to make sure we did not use generalizations that demonized all illegal aliens. At the time this felt like a win, because another student and I had gotten the professor to admit that dangerous people were entering the U.S. when they should not have been, and this was due to a lack of border security. And I’m sure the professor also thought it was a win, since he had ended on the point that we need to not make generalizations because they can be dangerous.
No joke, immediately after he finished these statements, he moved on to talk about how his wife did not feel safe walking to the store from their house because of the men who lived in their area. I’m laughing right now looking back on it. The irony is palpable. In that moment, I simply raised my hand and asked, “Isn’t your wife making a generalization about the men in your neighborhood?” At this, he immediately realized the contradiction, and my hope is that the rest of the class did too. I tell this story because it shows the absurdity of never making generalizations and always nuancing each statement. It’s just not practical. I’m sure that his wife was not wrong, that there were men who made her feel unsafe in their neighborhood, and that this was a good and natural feeling towards those men. I’m sure that there were even enough men like this for her to rightly generalize the men of her neighborhood in this way. Who cares if there is one nice old man down the road? If the rest of the men are scumbags, the generalization is still valid. There is room for unnamed exceptions when making generalizations because of what a generalization is; a generalization seeks to capture a general truth rather than exhaustively cover all possibilities. Because of this, a generalization might offend, but its great rhetorical power also simplifies and clarifies something that can become unnecessarily complex. It makes what is true more apparent. And this is why there are generalizations made in the Scriptures.
In a previous article, I discussed how the Book of Proverbs functions off of generalizations. Each individual proverb is not necessarily exhaustively true, because they sometimes are just telling you what is normally the case. They make true generalizations; in other words, they lack nuance. Here are a few interesting proverbs that make generalizations that could easily offend:
Proverbs 19:24 says, “The sluggard buries his hand in the dish, But will not even bring it back to his mouth.”
There is a lot going on in Proverbs 19:24 that would not be called winsome. And the word “sluggard” is a good place to start. We live in a society that condemns the use of any kind of negative label – we call it “name-calling.” But Proverbs routinely gathers all lazy people together, calls them sluggards, and then makes a generalization about the group (Prov 6:6, 9; 10:26; 13:4; 15:19; 20:4; 21:25; 22:13; 24:30; 26:13-16). The generalization in Prov 19:24 is that the sluggard is so lazy he can’t bring himself to eat. He puts his hand into the communal dish either to take some food out or to dip his food into a sauce (cf. Mk 14:20), but he can’t seem to bring his hand out to feed himself. This is a sarcastic proverb; it mocks lazy people who start things but never finish them. Obviously, this is a generalization. I would not be surprised if you could think of a lazy person who has finished something he started, and I am sure you know of a lazy person who will feed himself. Nevertheless, this proverb is extremely helpful as its short memorable saying reminds us not to be lazy and to take up the opportunities that lay before us.
Proverbs 23:27-28 says, “For a harlot is a deep pit and a foreign woman is a narrow well. Surely she lies in wait as a robber and adds to the treacherous among men.”
Proverbs 23:27-28 is another less than winsome saying. Again, we can start with the “name-calling.” “Harlot” or “whore” (KJV) or even “prostitute” (ESV) is not a very nice label in modern Western thought. Now we must call them “sex workers,” because one of them might get offended. Even if this woman is not motivated by money, if she is just an “adulterous woman” (NIV), we end up running into similar problems of someone getting offended. After all, adultery assumes that “open marriages” are wrong; consenting adults are not all that is needed for sexual actions to be moral. Just like with “sluggard,” the Book of Proverbs often makes generalizations about harlots. In fact, all of Chapter 7 is devoted to the seductive behavior of such a woman (Prov 6:26; 7:10; 29:3). In Prov 23:27-28, the harlot is compared to a robber. She is described as setting a trap, knowing full well that she is in a deep pit, and that those she takes from will never truly be able to escape after they go into her. Are all harlots this tactical, self-aware, and conniving? Surely not, but this is a generalization.
Proverbs 28:11 says, “The rich man is wise in his own eyes, But the lowly who understands searches him.”
Proverbs 28:11 presents us with a generalization about wealthy people. Here the rich man believes he is wise. He thinks he has gained his wealth through his own intelligence. But the poor man is truly wise, and can see through the haughtiness of the rich man. Are all rich people like this, are they all so conceited? Absolutely not. The Book of Proverbs does have some negative things to say about the rich man (Prov 18:11, 23), but it also has some positive things to say about wealth (Prov 3:9-10; 14:24). Abraham was very wealthy, but he was also a man who trusted in God (Gen 13:2; 15:6). Proverbs 28:11 makes a generalization about the rich, but it is a valid generalization because there is a lot of truth behind it. Many rich people are this conceited; they really do place their hope in their own wisdom and wealth. This is why Jesus says that it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven (Matt 19:23-26), and why James has such damning words to say to the rich (Jam 5:1-6).
To be winsome or to be offensive? Sometimes we must be offensive if we want to lovingly share truth. The Scriptures show us that the gospel is offensive to rebellious sinners apart from God’s amazing grace that transforms our thinking. So, when you are having one-on-one conversations, be as grace-filled and salty as you can (Col 4:5-6). But also remember that talking about faith in Jesus will mean that you also talk about righteousness, self-control, and future judgment (Acts 24:24-25). These are topics that are sure to make some uncomfortable. And remember when you are speaking to a group of people it’s okay to make truthful generalizations because our God makes truthful generalizations. Don’t be so afraid of people that you fail to speak truth to those who need to hear it.